Relent when its relentless and Assume at your peril

Published: Tue, 10/26/21

Dear ,

After another little break, welcome to this helping of "To Be Clear..." - a refreshing gulp of regular coaching clarity in your inbox where I share a couple of brief ideas which you can apply in your work life.

This issue looks at a bit of a paradox which we can apply when things are very intense at work (as they are for many of us at present) and a good question we can ask when things are not going as planned.

Go easy to go well...

"Relentless" is a word I'm hearing a lot at the moment from clients, family and friends. "Work is relentless" read a text I received a few days ago. Early this morning, I passed a new, very smart Christmas window display reminding me of a recent conversation in which a friend lamented the relentless pace of things between now and Christmas. When things are hurtling along at increasing pace with increasing demands on our time, it's easy and intuitive to try and keep up by piling internal pressure on ourselves to match the external pressures pushing in on us.

One of the disciplines and mindset shifts on which I often work with my clients is to differentiate between their circumstances at work and their attitude and response to them. It sounds pretty basic but it's something we all struggle with from time to time especially when external pressures feel unrelenting.

When things feel relentless at work, it's worth remembering that the word "relentless" has two meanings - one is "unceasingly intense" and the other "harsh or inflexible". The first definition is a good description of relentless circumstances at work, about which we may be able to do little, but the second definition - "harsh or inflexible" - applies more to how we often respond. Faced with relentless amounts of or pressure at work we become "harsh or inflexible" with other people and - just as unhelpfully - with ourselves.

Where the fact and feeling of relentlessness at work is causing you to be relentless with yourself or others, the solution might be to relent - dictionary definition: "become less severe or intense" - a little. A couple of ideas of what that might look like:

Firstly, it might help to be less severe/ harsh on yourself. Sometimes, hard circumstances subconsciously influence us to take the hardest route and be the hardest possible taskmasters working ourselves and/or others to a standard which we have set but which no-one else is expecting or will even notice. Of course, short cuts and workarounds are sometimes lazy and even dangerous but, at other times, they are incredibly useful and allow us to focus on delivering what's most important in the most successful and sustainable ways.

Secondly, it might help to be less intense and more flexible. Often, the relentlessness of our work gives us a sort of tunnel vision which stops us seeing other available options. I think of one client - the CEO of a fast scaling business - unable to sleep for weeks because of what felt like unbearable pressure to keep up with the relentless demands of his investors.

As we worked together on this issue, he was able to relent a little with himself and in his view of the situation by becoming more flexible. As he did so, he came up with a solution which more than satisfied his investors and gave his business breathing space and the chance to grow realistically and exponentially. He was also able to get some sleep which was a great result for everyone involved!

So, if the feeling of relentlessness threatens to overwhelm you at work or in your business, take a breath and a beat and consider where it might be wise to relent a little - not to give up or to slack off but to go a bit easier on yourself and others, to dial back the severity or intensity of your response so that you can get some perspective and move forward in a more constructive way.

Next, a useful question which can make a big difference as we find ourselves dealing with complexities at work.

What are you assuming?

I often say to my clients that three of the most depressing words in the English language* are "But I thought..." Those three words suggest a missed chance for clear communication in the past which has led to assumptions, mismatched expectations and disappointing or downright rubbish outcomes in the present.

Perhaps you've heard this thinking on assumption expressed in other ways - the classic schoolyard wordplay of "When you assume you make an 'ass' out of 'u' and 'me' " or the more adult "Assumption is the mother of all mess ups" often expressed in more robust language. (This cartoon addresses the problem of assumption in a rather more absurd way.)

But there's another (less often mentioned) reason that making assumptions at work is not constructive. The wise former boss to whom I have previously referred, used to tell us that when it came to the work we were doing, "It's not kind to assume".

Often we don't check things or ask for clarification at work either because we're being a bit lazy or because we don't want to look stupid or because we think it patronises the other person. However, we inevitably fill the void left by shared clarity with assumptions and those assumptions often lead us to wasting either our own time or that of others (and often both). We end up starting or pursuing things which are either pointless or wrong - all to the detriment of the work and the working relationships that we are trying to build.

What could be kinder - or more efficient - than establishing clarity at the start - and as we continue - so that you are on the same page as those with whom you are dealing? In the coaching profession, this is often known as "contracting" but it doesn't have to be super formal, in can be as light as "Just checking in that we're still doing/ thinking/ pursuing X/Y/Z".

If you are indeed aligned, you can confirm that quickly and move forward confidently and, if you are not aligned in your thinking or have veered off course, you can course correct before things get too hairy or complex or expensive; you can pre-empt and avoid the disappointed ''But I thought's that signal wasted time, resource, energy and trust.

As clients outline frustrations and complex professional situations to me and explain what they'd like in their stead, I often finding myself saying something like, "You've articulated that very clearly to me. What would stop you being just as clear with [insert the name of colleague/ investor/ supplier/ team member with with whom there is an issue]?"

Almost always, the client goes away, does just that and feeds back to me that a clarifying conversation with the relevant person has cleared up unhelpful assumptions on both sides leading to significant and measurable improvements in that working relationship and in their work.

Where specifically are you making unhelpful assumptions which are making work harder for you and others? Where specifically can you be kinder (to yourself and to others) by clarifying and correcting those assumptions so that you can make progress?

As always, feel free to get in touch to let me know what resonates and how you see some of this work out in your own professional practice. It's great to hear your stories, insights, questions and comments.

Wishing you a clearer week ahead.

As ever,

Ranti

* I recently heard someone say that four of the most depressing words in the English language are "rail replacement bus service"...

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