A couple of weeks ago, I came across an extract from comedian and writer, Rob Delaney's, memoir, A Heart that Works which describes the life, diagnosis, illness and death of his two-year-old son Henry from a brain tumour. It was a heartbreaking, clear-eyed description of the experience of caring for and then grieving someone you love deeply.

I later found an interview where Rob Delaney talks about the necessity and process of continuing to work very hard at his job through such a terrifying and terrible time. When the interviewer asks how Delaney was able to deliver two series of a hit comedy show given everything that was going on with Henry, Delaney simply replies, "So, what I found was...that grief and work are compatible."* 

That quote stuck with me as I watched The Bear**, a new-ish television series set in the frenetic kitchen of a Chicago restaurant. In it, the main character, Carmy, an award-winning young chef, has returned home to rescue a crumbling family diner, inherited from his estranged older brother, Michael, who has recently died. You don't have to have worked in the hospitality industry to enjoy it; you just have to have worked! It's one of the best depictions of the joys and stresses of life in an intense and intensive workplace I've ever seen. It manages to be frenetic, funny, thought-provoking and moving in turn and I would venture that it's worth getting a Disney+ or Hulu subscription just to watch it. Most of all, the show is a meditation on how grief and work can co-exist for better and for worse

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                                                      Image: "The Bear", courtesy of FX

I've worked with clients doing intense, intensive, highly-pressurised work while grieving a family member, friend or colleague who has either died or is very ill. I've worked with others trying as best they can to support colleagues and team members going through unimaginable grief and loss. I know that many people reading this will fall into one of those two categories and, for those who have grieved and continue to grieve, I am so sorry.

Whichever category you fall into, it might help to know not only that everybody is different but that while grief and work can be (and often are) compatible, the nature of grief means that that relationship is very changeable. Grief defies any game-plan, it ambushes you and those ambushes can feel especially acute at work where you're trying to maintain professional relationships and accomplish daily tasks and bigger projects. 

Time can make some things more bearable but the process is not linear and people grieve at different times in different ways. Indeed, working very hard while encountering loss and suffering can both help and also hinder or delay the process of grieving in ways that can surprise everyone concerned. One key way of retaining any semblance of clarity at work in the face of all of this is to remain deeply flexible when you or others are going through it. 

If you or a team member are struggling with grief at work at the moment, it might help to ask, "How is that showing up right now? Is work helping or hindering the process of coming to terms with grief?" You may not have a clear answer or the answer might surprise you but, sometimes, it just helps to ask the question.

Next up, some ideas for how to face up to another inevitable challenge at work...

Making conflict work

Image: Chris Chow on Unsplash

As many of you know, much of the work I do involves working with teams and organisations to help them to clarify and realise their strategy more effectively. Earlier this week I did two sessions with a leadership team to help them make key progress on how their organisation was going to tackle the challenges and opportunities of the next few years. It was pretty intensive coaching and facilitation work but I'm pleased to say that both the CEO and other leadership team members came away incredibly positive both about both the process and the way forward. 

In order to further develop my team coaching practice, as well as to develop skills and expertise in a new area, I've recently spent time opposite the Royal Courts of Justice learning the principles and practice of effective Mediation on an excellent, intensive Mediation Course, run by the Society of Mediators.  

More about what made this course so good in future newsletters*** but one thing that struck me was that, while conflict (hidden or open) is such a common part of so many people's experience at work, it's something that very few of us are trained to deal with. As a result, interpersonal and interdepartmental conflict not only get in the way of effective delivery at work but muddy the water and poison the atmosphere at work for everyone.

Much of my work involves helping clients to navigate and engage with conflict, or team or organisational dysfunction, in constructive ways which help everyone to move forward and the course helped me to reflect on ways in which I could do that more effectively. 

Most people's responses when faced with conflict are either to fully enter into it or to completely evade it. Both responses often lead to further issues. Much more helpful is to engage constructively with the conflict which means, in the first instance, to acknowledge (with yourself and with others) that it's happening and then to try out ways of moving forward. The Mediation course reminded me that  "forward" is a key word when it comes to engaging proactively and productively with conflict. Sheila Heen, Douglas Stone and Bruce Patton's excellent book, Difficult Conversations talks very helpfully of the benefits of shifting from a backwards-facing Blame Framework to a future-facing Contribution Framework when engaging with conflict. 

Thinking in terms of Contribution rather than Blame can be a game-changing mindset shift when it comes to making progress on conflict at work. A Contribution Framework not only looks forward but it acknowledges that everyone involved in the conflict has played a (not necessarily equal) part in the current situation, even if that contribution was not to deal with until now. 

If you're currently facing or bearing the impact of conflict at work, it may help to ask, "How can I engage with this conflict in a way which helps everyone concerned to look forward not backwards?"

As I incorporate the learning from the Mediation Course into my current coaching practice and complete my journey to professional accreditation as a Mediator, I'd really value your help in a couple of ways. First of all, I'm planning to organise a few live case studies in which I mediate an issue based on a real life conflict and if you'd like to know more, take part in or even observe one of those, do get in touch (it's a lot of fun and no previous acting experience is required!). Secondly, be in touch if you know others in the Mediation field or would like to discuss a Mediation issue with me.