Dear ,

 

 

As you know, clarity is one of the four key pillars of my practice and one place where we can all gain more clarity is the powerful but unspoken sway that emotions have at work. A couple of months ago, we looked at how we can use our own emotions to extract valuable information at work. But, the fact is, we also find ourselves rubbing up against the unspoken but powerful emotions of our colleagues, counterparts, customers and clients. How do we deal with those?

A really effective tool to do that is called labelling; I came across it in one of my top reads of last year - Never Split The Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It by former FBI hostage negotiator, Chris Voss.

The world of life-or-death hostage negotiation might feel a million miles away from your work or business but, as Voss reminds us, "Everything in life is a negotiation". The book has lots of application at work because it is fundamentally about building positive, purposeful working relationships which get results.

So, how does labelling work? First of all, it requires a change of  approach. Instead of ignoring the unspoken but obvious negative emotions threatening to derail a conversation with a counterpart or colleague, labelling acknowledges that, "Emotions aren't the obstacle, they are the means" to more effective communication. 

The key is to start by identifying and articulating the other other person's negative emotion by offering your perspective on what they're feeling. It requires what Chris Voss calls tactical empathy. Think of a label as a humble attempt to show you're paying attention to what's going on for the other person as well as a way to help them to identify and articulate "the primary emotion which is driving their behaviour". A label is a "verbal observation", a tentative but clear and non-judgemental statement which opens up a space for deeper clarity, better communication and progress towards your goal. 

Here'are some tips for effective labelling:

1. Listen carefully not just to words but to the tone, facial expression and body language of the other person

2. Imagine yourself in their shoes, especially when it comes to any negative ideas or impressions they may have of you or the situation

3. Identify the other person's barrier(s)/ negative emotion and offer it, not as a question, but as a tentative statement. The language is important here and it's a good idea to start with phrases like, "It seems like..."/ "It feels like..."/ "I'm sensing that..." and then letting the other person respond. For example, you might say, "It seems like you don't think this offer is fair and fairness is important to you..." or "I'm sensing that you're unhappy with the proposal..." or "It feels like you think I'm being unreasonable here..."

4. Pause and let the other person fill in the silence. Don't panic, they always do. 

Used well, labelling can be a  really powerful tool to unlock some of the seemingly intractable issues we face at work. One of my clients - a brilliant co-founder of a growing business - recently told me that labelling has not only helped him better understand and manage his growing team but it has also had a hugely positive effect on his relationship with his teenage daughter - so, a win all round!

Why don't you give labelling a try the next time you are struggling with difficult relational dynamics at work? This post by Chris Voss gives a bit more help and his Masterclass video course on negotiation also covers lots of the content from the book including labelling.

Fellow coach, Rich Litvin, once noted that when it comes to coaching clients to significant progress, the most important sound to listen out for is not "A-ha!" or "Wow!" but "Hmmm...".

It's not that "A-ha!" and "Wow!"  moments aren't great - it's always a privilege to work with my clients as they reach big insights which propel them to make significant progress at work. However, sometimes the best sound in a coaching session is "Hmmm..." followed by silence as a client responds to a question by pausing to reflect with genuine curiosity on some aspect of their work or organisation or professional practice for the first time.

"Hmmm..." often signals the sort of reflection which leads to the kind of powerful change at work which radically transforms both individuals and organisations. My job, when I hear a thoughtful "Hmmm..." is to hold the space for my client to reflect wisely and to articulate what they discover so they can move their work or business forward powerfully.

How does this help you? It might be worth asking yourself, "What are the things that make me go, 'Hmmm...'?".

Listen out for the next time something at work causes you to take pause and say, "Hmmm..." - whether it's a curious "hmmm" ("Hmmm...I've never noticed/ thought about that before...") or a more cautionary "hmmm" ("Hmmm...something's not quite right here..."/  "Hmmm...I just want to check in on this..."). When you hear it, don't ignore it or jump straight to the next thing. Instead, listen to yourself, take a moment to acknowledge the "hmmm..." and stop and reflect or, at least, make a note and a clear commitment to come back to it later.  It might lead to the kind of insight that makes a big difference for you and others at work.

Do be in touch and let me know how you're listening to your "hmmm"s and using labels at work. It's always so encouraging to hear from you. 

 

Wishing you a clearer week ahead.